If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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