i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
