Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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