Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
