she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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