I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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