don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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