I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
