There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
