..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
