So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
