I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
