Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think im in europe. pls send help
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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