Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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