I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
