apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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