my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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