my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
