I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
