I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what day is it and did you see me today?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
