If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize