Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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