The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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