I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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