Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
