my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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