i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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