Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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