good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
