Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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