life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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