u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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