He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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