Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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