he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
