I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
