tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
