"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
