i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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