Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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