just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
