he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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