im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
