He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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