my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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