I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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