On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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