Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
false alarm. still invincible.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
