In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I will pee on everything he values.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
