our cab driver is having phone sex.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
don't judge my taste in strippers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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