My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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