They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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