I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
