What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
