Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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