All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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