Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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