I CAN MOONWALK!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
