nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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