youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
