i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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