There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
