quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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