are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
